My past=2017 My Future=2018

It's been awhile since I have blogged so I feel like I am a little overdue to give a update :) . Now that we are fresh into 2018 I have been doing a lot of reflecting on how 2017 was for me so I will start at the beginning.  My 2017 started off amazing with ringing in the new year with some awesome people.  Along with going on a anniversary vacation with my love, which was much needed.  Going into the spring, my health had remained good but I started noticing some major changes in my body.  Looking back, I think they were there since my surgery but I remained so busy and I would say obsessed on keeping busy that I did not really stop to notice these things that were all so different.  When I did notice in the middle of last year, it became a sad trigger for me.  There is no other way to explain it but a good friend once told me that I came out of the gate running after my surgery and she worried that I would hit a wall someday.... I think I hit that wall in 2017.  I kept on keeping on because we had an awesome trip to Alaska planned in the summer with some good friends and that kept me motivated to not really crawl in that deep hole that I so was longing to do. 

We went on that once in a lifetime, unbelievable trip and then when we came back, I most definitely fell into a sad place.  I noticed every thing with my body, even if it was nothing or just part of the new me, I started losing sleep....lots of sleep.  When you lose sleep, you lose motivation.  When you lose motivation you struggle with so many parts of your daily life.  This was hard because then I felt like something was wrong with me.  I was upset because I didn't feel good.  Then I got mad that I had to go through this, and why couldn't I just be back to the way I was right after my surgery. 

I can say I wasn't talking to a lot of friends/family.  Relationships seemed to be changing.  If I called, or asked to do something that was when we talked.  I learned that I have to put the effort out or we just would not talk or see each other. That sometimes is hard not to take personal but I do just push it aside because everyone is busy with their own lives and their own problems.  I just end up shutting down, cold silence....

I feel like in 2017 I was down more than I was up... and really pissed off about it.  Instead of blowing off things instead I would get mad and angry.  I started exiting myself away from those things that I felt weren't good or true to me.  I also stepped away from a lot of the social media because I thought the negativity was not helping me snap out of my funk and the negativity seemed to be everywhere.  That really creeped people out though.  You wouldn't believe how many people were asking why would I do that? To be honest it was what I needed at the time, for my mind.

In 2017 I had to increase my hours.... almost by double.  This had to happen because our medical insurance increased.... by double :(  To be able to still go to my doctor out of state I had to find a plan that allowed that to happen.  This opens up the door to a premium, deductible and per occurrence charges that equal a good years salary..... Working more isn't really a choice at this time but it did take a lot of time away from being able to do the things I loved.  What choice do I have, you do what you have to do though....

I never knew that I could get so low when I got diagnosed, to being so high after my surgery, to crash down again.  I never knew that someone with cancer could suffer from PTSD.  I never thought that some of the relationships that I had would be affected so much by Cancer.  I really thought that some would learn from what I went through, but that only changed for a short amount of time.

Moving in to 2018 it is the utmost importance that I get my head out of my ass and start living again!  I do just fine when I am busy but give me some down time, my mind races non stop.  I can't just sit back and wait for invites or things to do, I am going to just grab the fam and go!!  As for my physical health... this has been affected to in 2017 which I believe has so much to do with noticing all the bad things.  I need to stay healthy, it is not an option!!

In 2018 the poor me card is not allowed inside anymore.  I understand what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is but I don't want it in my life, so I must seek to have it eliminated... STAT!!! 2018 will be better!!!! I will keep you updated. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

A much needed break :)

We just got back from a much needed vacation with my husband.  This trip was unbelievable in so many ways!  We decided for our 15 year wedding anniversary we would go away and forget about it all.  I know it sounds crazy being parents, business owners, workers and volunteers to be able to escape reality but we did.  My father actually prohibited us from calling and checking on the kids because he said that if anything happened he would get ahold of us :) I love that he did that because not only did he get great quality time with my boys but I really did not worry for a second.  I got lost in the peacefulness of this trip, almost dreaming as if I could do this everyday.  I remember a time where the worries of life were so small.  I never thought about the future much when I was younger, so I never really embraced the moments in the present.  This trip among many others that we have gone in the last couple of years are all about relishing those moments.  We said many times how we wish everyone could feel the way we did at that single second.  To have that alone time as a couple, to have no worries, and to honestly escape even for the moment.

Of course the kids are my sole meaning in life but if I could just pick them up and go, leave it all, wow what a happy girl I would be.  My husband keeps me pretty grounded when it comes to  not just picking up and running, which I know is me talking crazy.  Trust me, I am all about living in the moment but at the end of the day my kids need me to feel security and not just foot loose and fancy free.  I grew up in a very unstable environment and I promised my adult self that I would never let my kids feel the ways I did as a child.  It would always drive me crazy when you would hear about someones childhood and then they grew into parents and did the same thing to their children!! Not me, that was my number one goal :)  If it was just my husband and I we probably would have moved a million times by now.  Not let anything tie us down to one place and just go with the flow.  However my children are the one thing that has kept me grounded. Even though some of my wild dreams may never come true in my lifetime, my kids are worth it and are the whole reason my world exist.  They are the reason I work so hard, the reason I fight so hard and the main reason I love so hard :)

It does sound cliche to say we find our own happiness but in all honesty we do.  For the last 2 years I have found more happiness than I have in my lifetime, and that is the honest truth.  I wish In the past I had embraced life the way I do now, that is my only regret.  I have always treated others the way that I would want them to treat me the only difference now is I don't have time for those that don't make time for me.  I do believe in making sure you surround yourself with good and happy people because happiness is contagious.  Also as we find happiness along the way it is important that it is not selfish happiness, there is more to my story than just myself.

Moving forward after the last 2 years I have decided to take a step away from my blog.  I am not a professional blogger and really it was just a way for me to clear my head.  I by no means am a writer and I actually laugh at my writing...or lack of writing skills.  Things with me have been a little boring lately, which I LOVE!!!  I don't want to write about my aches, pains, or depression that has come along with being diagnosed.  I like the good that has come out of this all, but at the same time I don't want to be shoving in peoples faces either.  I am going to leave this with a final plea :) . Please do whatever you can to be happy, but not at others expenses.  Make every second count and never take life for granted.  You know who the important people are in your life so tell them often.  Don't do anything you will regret and always dance like no one is watching because if they love you it does not matter what you do!  To all my cancer friends/fighters I have met along the way, keep fighting and NEVER give up!!! I pray for you all often and am so happy we have crossed paths in one way or another.  Love to all and if anything exciting happens I will blog again but until then live your life to the fullest XOXOXOXOXOXOXO!