Do you ever question yourself?

It seems so easy to question myself sometimes on how I handled things or even how I process my thoughts.  I was actually thinking of everything that I want to blog about and that list is a mile long.  Then all of the sudden I was questioning why I wanted to write about certain things, why did I feel certain ways and was I wrong for having these thoughts.  I vowed when I started writing my blog that I would write what ever was on my mind for my own therapeutic selfishness.  However today I was backing off all the voices in my head... So why am I questioning myself?  That is going totally against the promises that I made with myself so I am fighting off those thoughts with my blog today and I am going to just keep writing what is on my mind.

Last week I had a rough week.  There were a number of things that really were weighing me down, the anniversary to my surgery, my winter hibernation, and our current medical insurance fiasco just to name a few.  One of the things that really bothered me was how I felt like I was not being as involved in my children's education as I wanted to be.  There were a few things that happened that made me feel like a idiot for not noticing sooner.  I won't get into the actual details but my oldest son had some things going on at school that I had no idea the importance of but when I found out I felt terrible for not realizing.  He also had this one teacher that messed up on one of his grades (should have been an A but she had a B) and he had told me he was worried about her correcting it but I thought the teacher had time so I didn't push it, middle school has been a hard adjustment for me trying to not get involved....  I dropped the ball on that one because the report card showed the incorrect grade and now it's to late.  I could have handled that so different and now I'm kicking myself :(   Then my youngest had some things going on at school(not grade related) and I feel so naive to not have noticed the signs before.  His situation is a little different because it all comes down to his anxiety with my diagnosis which he has struggled with very bad but how did I miss not seeing how this was affecting him at school?

On the same note as my son, he is not the only one that has had a hard time emotionally gripping my diagnosis.  There a couple of ladies in my life that have told me in the last month or so how much they emotionally were effected by my cancer.  I didn't even know this was going on either :( They basically told me how they fell into depression while trying to be there for me and my needs.  I love them for this, and could never repay them for what they have done but I can't help but to feel the sadness that comes along with knowing that. I can't help but to feel responsible for them spending  time on worrying, however that is what love will make you do.  There does hold some truth to a loved one being diagnosed with cancer, you feel like you were diagnosed right with them :( I would do the same for them and that is what makes our relationships priceless.  Once again, how did I miss this?

Winter is hard for me being stuck inside.  I always feel like we see less of our friends and just all around less activity during the winter and it puts me into a type of winter depression.  Then you top it off with my year anniversary that has taken me on a trip to revisit that dark time after I got diagnosed just does not help at all.  I have an added anxiety about getting sick to the point that I am a crazy person, wiping down the carts, not touching doors, and whipping out the antibacterial every chance I get. Even though my chemo was a year ago, my immune system has not repaired itself and my levels are all out of whack, being spleen less adds to that craziness.  I think it's just a funky winter for me.

Even though I live a lot different than I did before my diagnosis, my new care free ways do not take away the questioning of myself.  Am I doing my job as a mother?  Am I being a good friend? What about trying to keep in touch with family... am I doing that enough?  Am I being a good listener?  I hope I am not being selfish... Am I being active enough? I hope my kids look up to me...  Am I taking care of myself the way I should?  The everyday cycle remains the same even though your life gets interrupted through different circumstances.  I do not really know why I put this pressure on myself with all these questions,   but I am only human and admit to my flaws at all times!  I do not think that what I have been through has made me question myself more, I think as a woman, and as a mother we tend to do this without even knowing.  Not perfection but to just be good :)

So my goal is to NOT question myself.  I can't do it all, even though I do try at times :)  I have learned more about myself in the last year and it literally only took me 40 years and cancer to do this!  I can't wait for the spring to come, because I do believe sunshine is a MUST in my life to keep away from those winter blues.  Until then I will just be creating my own Sunshine :)

Can you believe it has been a year?

2-2-15 I was operated on to remove my cancer. I was an emotional mess to say the least.  I played it off I thought pretty well but the underlined fear I cannot explain to anyone.  Anyone that has been told they have cancer, or let alone any other major health life threatening problems can understand that moment when you were given the news.  I still can remember like it was yesterday when my doctor called to tell me what my diagnosis was, my whole life flashed in front of my eyes.  There was a little part of what he was saying was pure disbelief and I prayed for a miracle that it was not what he thought but in my mind I just knew.  We decided it wasn't going to affect us, we were going to live as normal as we ever did.... I wish it was so easy.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't stop crying, I started thinking about what I needed to accomplish in case I did not make it through.  I know, I know, how can I think negative, you are suppose to think POSITIVE all the time so that you can FIGHT.... I'm calling BS on that because anyone that is hit with a cancer diagnosis has those little thoughts of the "What ifs".

 I did get through those dark days and once I found my course of action/treatment I did climb out of my hole to get everything situated before my surgery.  During this time I did lose track of important days, birthdays, appointments, and school activities.  My mind was all over the place so mostly everyone completely understood and cut me some slack :)  As absent minded as I was about those things, I was to busy prepping my family, my house and myself for this surgery that scared the living crap out of me.  I cleaned my house top to bottom, drawers, closets and replenishing supplies along the way.  You would have thought I was not going to be home for a year, but in some way that helped me to know everything was set up.  I honestly had NO idea how long I would be gone.  The problem with my cancer is you do not know how bad it is until you are opened up in surgery.  So I had heard some patients recovered quick, in and out of hospital in 7-10 days with no problems  Then the other stories were horrific, in the hospital for months, complications every other day and recovery took a year.  It's hard to plan when there is the unknowing in front of you.   

As I visited my close friends and family up to my surgery day, looking back I wanted them to know I love them and am so happy to have them in my life.  I made sure I had lunch, dinner and just conversed with everyone that meant so much to me. I wish I had done that more before I actually got diagnosed instead of waiting.   The hardest was the kids by far.  When you don't know how things are going to end up and then you have to kiss your kids goodbye, there is nothing else I can say.   

2-2-15 I had major surgery and truck loads of heated chemo pushed in and out of my body all at one time.  I woke up from that surgery with my husband holding my hand, my beautiful daughter smiling at me and my father sitting by my side.  I looked down at my long incision, checked out all my different tubes, drains, yellow chemo caution stickers and wires.  All I could think is Thank-god I woke up and everyone is smiling so things must be ok. My husband confirmed that I was good by simply saying, "You are cancer free".   Imagine how I felt at that point :)

It has been a year today and it seems like yesterday.  So much has happened since then and continues to happen. I have had a great year in so many ways and blessed beyond belief.  I recovered great from my surgery actually better than I thought I would. I learned how to live with my new normals. I have enjoyed more time with my family and friends. I have smelled the roses, made lots of memories, and most of all lived with all I have.  One year ago today I was unsure on what my future held or if I would be here to talk about it.  Isn't life crazy sometimes :)